Resolved: I will no longer define myself by what I have lost.
As I was walking in the woods last week, reflecting on the last year and planning the year to come, I realized that much of what I have done in the past year I am seeing and interpreting through the lens of what I no longer have or am. This does not mean the past year was sad -- quite the opposite. Most of what I have done brought me joy, growth, and fulfillment. There is a reason why people I haven't seen in a while are all telling me that I look happy and confident -- because I am.
Yet I still define those things by what I am not. I could travel when and where I want because there is no other person to include in the plans. I could accept any work that interested me and spend as much time as I want in dance classes because I don't have to think about being home for anyone. I can take risks because I had already lost the one thing I used to think was unloseable, and I emerged just fine.
While there is strength in measuring my year against all that came before it, I now realize that this is keeping me tethered to a person I have outgrown. No, not my Ex. I mean my former self. That woman who never knew how fun it could be to just dance like an idiot in the street to Sixteen Candles, and who never thought to go free range with her career. That woman was lovely -- compassionate, kind and even joyful at times. But that woman lived by anxiety.
So now, even though the anxiety is still a passenger (more about that in a future post), it does not drive. All that I do this year will not be because of or in reference to what I have lost. Resolved. I believe I can keep this one.
As I was walking in the woods last week, reflecting on the last year and planning the year to come, I realized that much of what I have done in the past year I am seeing and interpreting through the lens of what I no longer have or am. This does not mean the past year was sad -- quite the opposite. Most of what I have done brought me joy, growth, and fulfillment. There is a reason why people I haven't seen in a while are all telling me that I look happy and confident -- because I am.
Yet I still define those things by what I am not. I could travel when and where I want because there is no other person to include in the plans. I could accept any work that interested me and spend as much time as I want in dance classes because I don't have to think about being home for anyone. I can take risks because I had already lost the one thing I used to think was unloseable, and I emerged just fine.
While there is strength in measuring my year against all that came before it, I now realize that this is keeping me tethered to a person I have outgrown. No, not my Ex. I mean my former self. That woman who never knew how fun it could be to just dance like an idiot in the street to Sixteen Candles, and who never thought to go free range with her career. That woman was lovely -- compassionate, kind and even joyful at times. But that woman lived by anxiety.
So now, even though the anxiety is still a passenger (more about that in a future post), it does not drive. All that I do this year will not be because of or in reference to what I have lost. Resolved. I believe I can keep this one.
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