Episode 2 -- Know Your Motivation

"What do you mean?" he said, "You dither back and forth more than anyone I know."
"Maybe," I responded, "But once I've made a decision I move quickly to make it happen."
He made that hrmph noise in the back of his throat that I think means, "You're right but I don't want to actually say you're right."

I had decided to move.  I was in the process of moving, and all those things you have to do to relocate yourself.  Selling a place, purging old items, sorting out mail forwarding, trying to figure out where stuff is in the new neighborhood.  I think I had been complaining about my real estate agent not being aggressive enough, which led to a conversation about the relative ease with which I make a decision.

I had decided to move -- to his condo.  He didn't live there.  He lived in a beautiful house with his partner and her child, somewhere in the same suburb.  (To this day, I have no idea where exactly.)  The reasons I gave were mostly convenience and financial.  He was charging me a way-below-market rent. The place was smaller, easier to maintain.  I wouldn't have to pay the crazy property taxes of my current town.  I could save money, build my practice and travel.

That's not why I did it, though.  Those were the surface reasons, and they all worked in favor of the undertow reason:  I loved him, and I wanted to be closer to him in whatever way I could.

Another conversation, from when I was still dithering about the move:
"I'm just not sure it's the right decision."
"Why not?" he said. "You'll save money, you'll have a secure place to live, you can do all your dance things . . ."
"That's not what I'm worried about," I said.  "I'm worried that if I move there -- into your space -- that I'll just stay hung up on you."
"Well, that would be alright with me."

And it must have been alright with me, too, because I went ahead and moved.  Surface, undertow, and everything in between.

Episode 1 -- Just a Little Bit of History Repeating

Our mutual friend wrote: "I met him as I was going through my first divorce 20 years ago, and he was my rebound then.  It was a very confusing relationship. Probably a good thing he had to leave the country.  Now it is much easier. I no longer see him that way at all." 20 years ago, he and our mutual friend fucked like crazy while he was in a relationship with another woman.  Call her Colleen.

I tried twice to stop the sex part of our relationship.  Once because of his real partner, and once because of mine.  I found it impossible both times.  I actually said to him, in all earnestness, "I just can't quit you."

I asked him if this is just a repeat of his 20-years-ago mess where his current partner is Colleen and I am our mutual friend.  He insists this can't be so because Colleen was a nasty, cruel woman, and his current partner is kind.  But there are so many parallels.  The sexless central relationship.  The supposedly clueless partner.  The recently divorced and slightly crazy Trilby to his Svengali.  And, I hope, ultimately the lasting friendship. 

Will I now have to leave the city, state, or country to ever end this hold he has on me?  This hypnotism that turns me into a confident woman, able to ask for and express my sexual desires.  In that book, Svengali dies of a heart attack, leaving Trilby distraught and void of her talents.  In this life, the outcome is much much messier.  Here is where I try to sort it out as it is happening.