I have a very dear friend whom I refer to as "The Id." She was the one who went right to the "you are one sexy woman" place when I worried about dating, and she has adopted a zero tolerance policy towards people who hurt her friends. More than anyone else (who I am not having sex with), I can talk to her about how sex is fun and funny and not something that has to be attached to a relationship. She has been filling in for my own underworked Id, encouraging me to do things that make me giggle like a child.
I am working on being at least neutral in everything I say about the ex. I want to follow my father's example. After he divorced my mother, he never said an unkind word about her to anyone. In fact, he made a point to talk about how much he admired her and to compliment her on raising us kids on her own. I want to be able to be that gracious, even though I am the one who got left. It does not serve me to insult or bad-mouth the ex. Any words said in anger only cling to me and make depression that much harder to shake off. Usually, I am pretty good at this.
Some friends are confused by my refusal to call the ex names, or to say unkind things about him in anger. Recently, someone tried to tell me that anger is natural, that my approach was weird. I told him that I truly believe that things I say in anger come back on me. When I allow myself to speak from resentment, even justified resentment, it only makes me more resentful. I am not in the place to speak truly and sincerely well of the ex yet, but I can be neutral, and I can honestly report that there are positive aspects to his character. This pains me now because it reminds me of how much I am losing. Later, though, I trust that this will be a comfort because I will not have to look back in embarrassment at my bitterness.
Which brings me back to The Id. We went to a Christmas Choral Concert. It was the cheesiest this vegan has ever gotten, and I loved it. Trust the Id to help me enjoy wacky holiday cheer. On the walk back to her place after the concert, she asked me how I was doing. Because I trust her, I answered truthfully. I have not been great. The winter and the holidays were kind of knocking me down. She answered with a brief expletive against the ex for all that he had wrought in my life. My Id. I loved her for her loyalty, and for her honesty. I continue to struggle to stay neutral-to-positive, but that night I thanked her. I thanked her for saying all the things I would not allow myself to say. Coming from her, it was a relief.
