Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Solid as a Rock

The beaches in Kent are covered with lots of round, smooth stones, worn into their shapes by the wind and the tides along the English Channel.  The tradition there is that the ones with a hole worn completely through are lucky stones, and if you find 14 of them, you thread them onto a string and hang them in your home as a lucky charm.  I think of it as the horseshoe of the British coast.

I was in Kent for a few days, visiting a very dear friend who also used to be my sister-in-law.  One of the days I was there, I took a long walk on the beach while she was working. One of her daughters had a knack for finding lucky stones, and I wanted to see if I could be that observant.  Because here’s the thing:  the stones tumble over and over each other and get handed around by the waves as the tide rolls in and out.  Every single one of them has divots, crevices, or even small partial holes.  But only very few have the small holes worn perfectly through.  (As my friend’s daughter says: “You have to be able to thread a string through it or it’s not a lucky stone.”) 

At first, I must have picked up about 20 stones, only to find the little holes I saw in them didn’t go all the way through.  Gradually, I learned to look at all the layers on the beach, and to walk at the pace of a walking meditation. I started to find lucky stones.  One after the other.  They had a holes formed at an angle or even a series of channels you could only see from a particular corner.  At the end of my walk, I had 10 of them.  Only 4 short for my British horseshoe.

My next days I spent helping out my friend and her husband at a festival booth where they were promoting their business.  My friend and I worked 12 hour days, outdoors under a tent selling their wares. She trusted me with her customers, her money, and even her credit card at one point.  Just like family.

After those long hours, I had neither the time nor the energy to walk on the beach, in search of my last 4 stones.  As I was packing up to leave, I decided to add most of the stones I found to those her daughter was keeping.  I chose two for myself and tucked them into my suitcase.  Because I am mostly a practical person, so I don’t really believe that luck is created by totem objects.  And I wanted to be able to lift my suitcase into the overhead compartment without hurting myself.  

Those two stones, though, remind me of two very lucky things that have opened up in my life:

One — I have learned to slow down and to adapt and in doing so to see opportunity hidden under layers.
Two — More often than not, every time I reach out a hand to someone I care about, I find myself pulled in for a warm embrace.  




  

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Angel on My Shoulder

Last November, I signed up for some dance workshops.  At the time, I was practicing regularly, working on specific goals and plans.  I had my choice of Level 1 or Level 2 workshops, and, feeling confident, I chose Level 2.

Time passed, stuff happened, and my dance life fluctuated.  There were always classes or something going on, but my regular practice got jumbled.  I started to lose confidence, fueled by the return of my long habit of body hatred.  In my non-dance life, I was feeling more and more crushed by the essential loneliness of my life.  (That's how I saw it, at least.)  I recognized the gentle settling in of mild depression, so I greeted it and pushed on, feeling more fatigued every day.

In the midst of all this, as I prepared to travel to the workshops, I started to freak out a little bit.  Who did I think I was, signing up for the Level 2 workshops?  I saw some of the names of other participants, and I recognized a few of them as dancers who performed internationally.  How in the hell did I belong in the same room as them? My plan became to go, push through, stand in the back and try not to get in anyone's way.

A couple of days ago, the workshop organizer posted a notice saying that if anyone wanted to level down, there were people in Level 1 who wanted to switch to Level 2.  I sent her a message immediately.  And I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

About a half day later, I got her reply, which started with three simple words: "Are you sure?"

Yes.  Wait -- Was I?

I looked again at the expectations for Level 2 participants and realized that, yes, I met those expectations. I sat for a minute thinking about what I was hoping to get from this whole experience.  I knew that either level would be an excellent opportunity to study with 2 of my favorite teachers, and that I would get a ton of benefit from both.  But I remembered a quote someone posted on their Facebook wall:

If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?

― T.S. Eliot

So I sent a message back saying, basically, never mind.  I will stick with what I chose in the first place.  It's not that the self-doubt went away, it's just that I convinced it to come dancing with me.

Thank you again, Hilde, for being the Good Angel on my shoulder, and helping me see the way to jump in feet first.