Radiation Recall

There is a phenomenon that sometimes happens to people who have had radiation treatment called "radiation recall."  What happens is this: after radiation is over with, a person may receive chemotherapy at a later date.  Sometimes this chemotherapy treatment causes radiation rashes to crop up again, sore, red and angry.  The stress of the chemo on the body causes the fragile spots to open up again.  It is one of the many potential side effects of cancer treatment.

This week feels like an emotional radiation recall for me.  The Ex is getting married on Saturday.  This was his delayed response to my last message to him.  I responded very simply that I wish him the best, which I do.  Yet as I sat still, willing myself not to be numb, I wondered what I felt.  Mostly, surprisingly, what I felt was okay.  It seemed soon, but right.  

As the message entered my entire circulation, though, the recall started.  All those places where I am healed but still weak started to open up again.  Sore, red, and angry.  The lingering doubt that anyone will ever want me.  The ego blow that someone who says he loved me so much could get over me so quickly.  The anxiety over living and managing my life alone.  My radiation recall was a clamp on my lungs and a whooshing headache.  One of the many potential side effects of heartbreak.

My recall rash came out, but it was manageable.  I went for a run, I reached out to my amazing friends, and I cleaned out a bunch of drawers.  As things calmed down, I saw again the clarity I found before my trip to Denver.  He is a good, decent and kind man.  He is not good for me.  I have true and loving friends, who when they circle around me, bring the strength of generations of women.  I have weak spots, blind spots, sore spots -- but I am fine, thriving, even.  As many of my friends reminded me, I am different now, better and more true.  

The recall came and went fairly quickly, which made me wonder if I was really being honest with myself.  But here is how I know that I am fine: The part about his message that bothered me the most was not that he's getting married, not even the (relative) soon-ness of it.  It was that he wouldn't tell me anything but the date because he was afraid it would show up on my blog.  This blog.  Which is not about him at all.  Proving once again the lack of true understanding we had for each other, and reinforcing the reasons why I don't want to be his friend.  It's not heartbreak that upsets me, it's misunderstanding -- the same misunderstanding we have always had. 

So, yeah, he was right.  It did end up here.  This is what happens when you fall in and then out of love with a writer.  She writes about it.  And truly, sincerely, with a loving heart wishes you well in your new life.