Heartbreak Tour Guide

I realized while in the elevator the reason I am sad.  I am sad because I want that.  I want to meet someone who thinks enough of me to cut off intimacy with other people.  I want to be the basket for all of someone's eggs.

Let me start at the beginning.  Several months ago, I met a man who quickly became my heartbreak tour guide.  I trusted him enough to let him be the second man I had ever had sex with, and he trusted me enough to be truthful about the mistakes he had made in relationships.  It was clear at the outset that this was not the last relationship for either of us -- in fact, that this was barely a relationship at all in the way most people understand it. 

He taught me how to be unashamed about wanting to be sexual.  He took me through the lingering pain and helped me see that it was normal, that I was normal.  Like the best tour guides, he let me discover the most hidden places for myself, then he explained to me what they were, and what was waiting on the other side.  I hope, for my part, I taught him that there are kind women who have no agenda other than to be loving towards people.

When I got back from Costa Rica, he was different.  Not distant, exactly, but wanting a break from sex.  He explained it as something that happens occasionally, which I thought sounded normal.  In a small corner of my mind, I wondered if he had met someone.  Then, he sent me the Facebook message.  It was a kind, honest message, calling me a friend and confirming that he had indeed met someone who he felt he had a "real future" with.  I said I was happy for him, and that is the truth.  Then I texted the Id and told her I was both hurt and relieved.  That is also the truth.  My heartbreak tour guide has moved beyond being expert in heartbreak, and towards what I truly hope will be lifelong happiness.

But.  Still. No one wants to be the one receiving the relationship change message.  No one wants to be rejected, even when it was always inevitable.  Once he said to me that I would be done with him before he was done with me.  He was wrong. (It makes me smile to write that -- I told him he was right so many times.)  What hurts me most, though, and why I am once again crying in public, is simple jealousy.  I want that.  Not him, That.  I want the person who will think enough of me to focus on building a life with me.  

The Id also said it was good for me to focus on just being me for a while.  Bless her gentle heart, she saw that I was distracting myself from myself, even as I was learning how to heal.  She is right.  Sometimes, you just have to wave goodbye to the tour guide and discover the trail on your own.