Yesterday a man asked me what kind of men I am attracted to. I found that very difficult to answer, but now a picture is beginning to emerge. I am drawn to men with anxiety issues. Men like the one who asked the question. Men like the Ex.
I don't know where this began. With the ex? Before the ex? Who knows. S says I have a caregiver personality, that that is who I am. I question whether I should even try to change that. Is it really so unhealthy? Is there a way to make it more healthy?
This morning I got a text message from the man who asked the question, saying he was feeling "crushed under the weight of loneliness." I feel for him in his anxiety, but it is not my task to make him feel better. He says I am working through something psychological and I am, but so is he. He says he feels calmer focusing on others -- and I think that is because then he isn't focused on himself. I have compassion for his suffering. I will try to help as far as I am asked and able, but the digging and remodeling is his alone. Just as mine is mine alone.
Couldn't these be thoughts from a healthy caregiver? Couldn't this be a glimpse that there is such a thing as just anxious enough, just nurturing enough?
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